Reading my two last posts I realize that I really have a lot to work on. Specially my teenage-like tendency to shock people. I mean I am able to do it in a very mature way you know. I am a lady after all.
But I get such a teenage-like kick out of it that I really think I should work on it.
Or shouldn’t I?
Anyway, tonight I thought about one specific local leader of the church when I was a teenager and I realized that I need to forgive him. I get extremly mad when I think about him because along being wrong in the way he dealt with my family (which makes him partly responsible for the fiasco although his responsability is really tiny I should say) he almost enjoyed hurting my mother and making my sweet adoptive dady feel like his was right to do and behave the way he was. I think if I’d come up to him and tell him that this man that he supported was a child abuser he would just not believe it.
He is an idiot and I need to forgive him because it is sad. It is just sad to be who he is no matter how much glory he gets in this life for being a “pionneer” of the church in my country.
I really need to forgive him more than I need to forgive either of my parents.
How about setting it as a goal before I get re-baptized?
It is funny how I can work on forgiving the big things a lot more easily than the little ones. I have let it take so much space in my life that it has in the end taken as much space as the abuse. This is also the direction in which I send my anger just because sometimes only being angry at my parents is too much. It is like I need to have another subject, like another shelf in which to put my little pot of anger. And although this man was wrong I would have never known he was had my parents been different. Or I should say: had they made different choices, more gospel oriented. So he is not the real responsible for my anger. He may have messed up really bad but there are very few leaders who have not. For example the wonderful bishop I had when I was excommunicated was seen as too rigid by some people.
What also makes me mad is that I have a clear memory of something when I was a teenager when he had a really contemptuous look when looking at me. This look is like a symbol of how I have felt about the local leaders of the church from then. It is stupid and I need to work on this also a lot more than I need to work on the delight I get out of shocking people. This is only a joke thing really. When my concern about this specific man is really something that may be a problem in the futur if I don’t solve it.
Anyone has an idea beside praying? I mean I will probably do this because I don’t know any better way but if you had some kind of insight it would be great…anyone here?