…was getting married to someone in the church.
Not that I did not want a good LDS family with bright and beautifull kids and a loving spouse and blah blah blah blah
It is just that I have felt scared of it all my life because of what I have experience in my own family: lies, deception, frustration, abuses, hypocrisy, pride and so on. And when I say scared I am talking about crying out of control with a feeling of a heavy load on my chest. When hearing about good families of the church and righteous pristhood holders or good relief society president it always took me back to my youth and what I have seen of what a “good family” of the church meant to me. I just did not know how to escape the patern and did not believe it was possible. Like I did not have what it took or that God had not planed anything else but what I knew for me.
This was a major concerne about me being back which I did not share with my bishop. Not that he would not understand but beside teeling me things that he would have been hoping would reassure me I don’t think he would have known what to say or what to do.
I guess I wanted to try God again. Not in a proud way but more in a hopeless way so I prayed that he would remove this fear from me.
Although I have done a lot of work on myself so the fear was really not something that was a daily companion as it had been before I was excommunicated, it was still there and I could feel it was like a little stone in my shoes that I just could not remove. You know what I mean. Not the huge rock that prevents you from making on more step like it had been. Just this little stone that slower your pace and make it painfull to the point that I found myself crying again.
I knew that THIS VERY FEAR is one button that can be easily pushed to prevent me from doing what I am meant to do.
Yesterday there was this family at church. They come once in a while to visit family and I love to see them. Their story is a beautifull one than anyone could envy. I don’t but looking at them it seemed to me that I could have what they have. I did not feel scared.
It is all that it took. Ask Him to help me remove this fear that was unfair and undeserved before it was going to take too much space in my life again.
I can hardly remember how I felt although this fear was a part of who I was for most of my life but I do know that I don’t ever want to be afraid this way ever again.
And it feel so easy. I just have to kneel. Pray. Explain things and explain what I need and there it is. It feels so easy that I feel both blessed and stupid.
Easy to understand why I feel blessed. The stupid part is because before being excommunicated I was so concerned about asking the right things. Always scared that I was not being righteous enough or not asking the right things to help me progress that I realize that I almost asked all my life for the wrong things and did not dare to ask for the right ones thinking that I was not worthy/ asking something I should do on my own/did not need to ask for this/was not going to get it anyway because his patern for me did not imply me getting something that I felt I needed.
This makes me realize how right I am when I think that my excommunication was the best thing that happened to me. Some may understand what I mean some may not so I will go a little more in depth about it latter.