I asked my bishop if it was ok for us to meet each sunday or almost.
Here is my thing: I don’t lack of patience most of the time but my come back to the church is a subject I am excited about. I feel excited like a kid and this is not the most mature feeling I could come up with. We all reacted differently as kids when we got excited about something. For me the reaction was that if I did not have what I was waiting for by the time my excitation was at its highest then it would wear off and I just did not want it anymore.
Not to let it happen I am the kind of person who would do too many things, go way over where I should go or what I should do in order to keep the feeling going on instead of taking the time to enjoy this period of waiting and use it for a better purpose.
So I have decided to look forward for each sunday as a step. Like a transfer of joy if you want. I try to use each week as a time to either make me stronger in my commitments or a time to take a new one that I understand I should make.
So I met with my bishop for a few minutes to discuss a little matter that had been bothering me. I will probably make another post about this when I feel like doing so. It is not clearly gospel related but when you really think about it and my motivation about it then I should say it is highly gospel related.
Anyway, I wanted to tell him I had changed my mind about it and we discussed a little. Then he told me that my choice to come back was a courageous one.
I feel unworthy of such an adjective and I know you may disagree with me.
I feel like I have no other choice and going against what I have felt, going against what I know would not be worthy of the trust I know our Heavenly father has put in me. Therefore it is not a matter of courage when you know that first you have no choice (you don’t want to cross the big guy up there, do you?) and second that everything is being taken care of by a power that nobody can defy.
All my time out of the church, along with the feeling of hurt, I had told myself several times, when extremly angry at God, that I will come back only when HE COMES in person to take me back to the church. Not that I did not want to come back to the church but I wanted him to prove me he loves me and prove me he wants me in more than out because so many things were to me proves that he hated me.
And I guess He does love me because when I stopped being mad at him he did take me back. I have been hit by the spirit so strongly that I am thinking about filling court papers to sue Him for physical abuse!
It has been so strong that I feel like saying it has been violent to a physical like experience. But I do feel loved now.
There is a book I love called “the prophet” by Khalil Gibran in which there is a sentence I can relate to :”Don’t say God is in my heart but I am in the heart of God”
No it is not courage because I am not making any effort that requires strength. It actually rather easy because the more I do what our Heavenly Father wants me to the better I feel in any field of my life. And I feel at peace.