I have felt so uplifted this past month that I was wondering when I would really feel tempted to do something that I have decided to leave. It happened just yesterday.
The same way I did not feel a member way before I was excommunicated I feel I am already a member even if I have not been rebaptized yet. And do you want to know what is good about this whole experience I have been through yesterday? It is that since I am not a member yet I am not under any condemnation since I have not broken any commandment I am suposed to follow; Right? Sooooooo this brings me to my luck: I can tune things a little before I get rebaptized so it does not happen ever again and I can make a good re-start because I will clearly know how and why I can mess up. This will enable me to avoid some easily avoidable situations.
Do you know what I love also about my little experience?
It is that although I was sad about it I was able to recognize that I am indeed weak in some subjects but it did not make me sad. It actually made me happy because now I do really feel confident that I can turn to our Heavenly Father to make me strong. He does not expect me to do it on my own because guess what….I cannot actually.
It feels good not to feel this presure I grew up with that I was suposed to be perfect and that I was pretty much supposed to do it on my own.
I am starting to fully understand, or I should say spiritually understand, the attonement but I am affraid to really go down this road. I feel tiny. I already feel so gratefull for what I have understood and experienced, I have a hard time emotionnaly dealing with it. I know this was possible because of the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for us and I know that if I start thinking a little too much about it I will feel like disapearing when thinking about all the times I screwed up when I could have avoid it.
I don’t think I can handle the notion of attonement yet.