I know now something that I have been wondering for a long time.

See I am always the one not thinking like the others. Almost to the point that I often think the opposite of what poeple expect me to think in this or this situation. I don’t do it on prupose, I am aware of it and I enjoy it on purpose but my attitude is not about contractidicting others it is really the way I am.

Spending time with my grand-mother I was touched by the way I am just like her in this attitude. I know now it comes from her. I just CAN’T bent myself into thinking like the crowd.
God knows she has made so many mistakes and still do but this “talent” has enabled her to find joy in situations that would provide none to anyone else just like for me. And I think that if it had not been for this ability to find something good in what people expect to be a catastrophy or to to think differently I would have made much more mistakes and maybe been dead even by now.

I also understand and feel how much our Heavenly Father loves her. She is half senile and half crazy but in the moment of lucidity she is able to draw closer to God than a lot of people I have met and I could relate so many time to what she would say (when I did not feel like beating her up).
I know, I just know without the Spirit bearing any testimony because I see it with my eyes, with the little spiritual sight I have that only for this, only because she has found the path to God, the path that enables her to be close to Him and understand Him He is trying to bless her with whatever she needs and want. And I know that when she is on the other side it will take a while before she understands the gospel (because let’s be blunt she is not the sharpest tool in the shed) but when she understands it she will accept it and it will really be easy for her.
She is to me an example of how no matter how old you are you can always work your way to our Heavenly Father. It may not be as easy when you are 75 as when you are 25 but it is always possible and this is really only what is asked of us. That’s all. It is so simple.
Because once we are close to Him then everything is easy, we just want to do it. It is by being close to Him that the desire to obey comes.

http://www.ombrelumineuse.com/

I don’t know where to start.
Baalbeck was almost impossible to reach for me and I considered myself lucky to have been able to get to Lebanon.

But I was able on my last day to go to Baalbeck.

This is a gorgeous place that I want to go back to and if I should ever get a chance to go back I need to make sure it is during the summer.

Baalbeck (you can really write it the way you want since it is not a western name) is a pilgrimage city. Or I shoudl say it was a pilgrimage city for pagan comparable to Jerusalem for Christians.
It is huge. Many countries have tried to restore it but it owuld take an internationale effort and even then I doubt it would be enough considering we have so many wars to put our money in….Hope you feel my sarcastic tone here.

Baal was a pagan god as you already know if you have read the bible just a little bit and Beck comes from the plane of Beqa which is an immense croping area where they still grow wheat in any direction you look to.

When the Roman Empire took over Europe and more they turned this place into a temple dedicated to Jupiter, Venus and…Bachus.

Then the christians took over and turned it into a church and turned the close by temple to Venus into a church that they called St-Barbara.

then the muslims took over and tuned it into a fortress with a tiny mosque for the militaries stationned there and you can see traces of all these civilizations.

I felt tiny in many ways.

I feel so powerfull and in control of my own life but then I looked at these stones I really got a sense of “ephemere”?
These stones are still here and my time on Earth is going to be less than the time they have been here.
I can understand how some need to leave a trace and develope an ambition hunger.

This is food for thought.

And I have stories to tell.

I will need to go back someday, though.

Tomorrow I will be on the plane for a week that I have been dreaming for during the past 27 years or so.
How cool is that?

I am going to takle tones of picture. I have bought an extra memory card for my camera and I am just excited when I think of all the pictures I am probably going to take.

Last year at about the same time I was getting ready to back to the US for a short trip and the situation was very different. the feeling about this trip was also very different. I love the fact that I have been far West and I am going far East within a year. This is a the kind of life I wish I could spend my years on. Just going anywhere, meeting people. talking to people, hearing what they have to say about life, how they see it in their corner of the world. I just love it.

I watched yesterday one of my favorite episode of BSG with my sister “No exit”. Before I get to what and why I love it I want to say how tired I am of the lack of general culture of my fellow citizens. It never occured to them that “no exit” in English was the translation for “huis clos” by Jean Paul Sartre so they translated it a different way. Why do they have a real job and I don’t?

Anyway.

In this episode a creature talks with his creator. The creature is full of anger, jealousy, bitterness, has a sadistic personnality and so on.
Of course the creature tell its creator that the human genocide is all because of the flaws that the creator decided to make him with.
The creator answers back with free will and creativity.
What I loved best was when the creature had really good points to which the creator would answer with a “I am so sorry for you” kind of look because the whole purpose of the creature, everything that it did was to prove its creator wrong when it could have magnify what it was. The creator gave him the potential to destroy humanity, hence the potential to do the opposite too.
I just love it.

Of course what the creature said was a direct reference to Blade Runner but I like hos they kept the poetic aspect of it to make it something much interesting to ponder about.

I am going to ask to be released from the nursery. I just feel tired and I don’t have the feeling that I am going anywhere with this calling anymore. I know that when I am tired (no matter what level) you can tell me the most simple thing I just won’t get it.
I just know that I will be back there someday but ti is ok. I am fine with going back to the task it is just that now it is pointless for me to have this calling.

I feel a little sad but in the mean time I need to go to RS and Sunday school. I have not been there since I was re-baptized, it is kind of crazy. I should say that the first thing I wanted was to serve and to be put to the task, so it is not like I have been forced into it.

I also hope to get new insight and new inspiration for this blog because I am totally slacking off.

…so long to realize that “NO I AM NOT GOOD!” ?

I am not going to go to work today because I just came out of a full week of migraine and the peak of it being yesterday when the pain was accompanied to nausea and sensitivity to light and sounds.

I have felt like crap the whole week but did not realize it was like very light migraine until it was really bad.

What is also funny is that when the pain started calming down in the night I coudl tell my brain was like trying to suffocated the pain and I could tell that it was taking much, much physicall energy.

And it seems that it is always like this with me no matter what kind of pain it is. I have to learn to identify when I am not feeling good.
Is it unrealistic expectation that I have been taught to have about myself that disables me of identifying when I am in a position of weakness? Is it because my mother taught me to “tough it up” like she thought a man should even though I was supposed to become a woman?

Then when I come out of one of this crisis I need to be pampered.
This is a waste of time and energy.

I need to better identify my needs.

I think I am going to use today to catch up with my blog reading and to read better the bible because it is getting tough and I think I am going to need to read it morning adn evenings if I want to be able to undersand really what I am reading.

I know the choices I make always set me appart from the crowd no matter what direction I look at.

I don’t expect people to understand me or to make the same choices as mine and I take pride in chosing the less taken road.

But today.

I was hoping that my best friend would understand that you don’t always have to chose the easiest road to be happy. I was hopping she’d see what I see and understand my words.
I have never told her do this or do that I just worked hard to show her a different way and I think that I really made it clear. She understood and then fell into the easy path and I am feeling sad and lonely.
I love her and I can’t blame her.

It is just that I fear the worse for her not because she has not made the same choices as mine but because she has made choices according to the short sight she choses to have.

I am sad because I know that someday she’ll regret this choice and will go through hard times just because this is easier right now.
I know one could tell that it has been the same for me a few years ago and yes in one way.
The thing is that nobody back then talked to me and showed me a different way but the two usual option I had grown up with.
I love her and I’ll be here for her when it happens. But I hope it won’t happen sooner than I think because I need all this time to learn to stop me from telling her “I tried to tell you but you would not listen” which is the worst thing to tell someone ever.
I am just angry at her because I thought she would make a smarter choice and thus living up to the image I have of her.
And the truth is that she did not have to.
It is just that I am angry at her for making me feel alone again.
I did not want her to follow my path. I wanted her to find her way and not fall into the trap of the “two only options” and we could have shared more then.

About our Celestial Mother if there should be one?
As a woman I sometimes wonder if I look like her. Not physically obviously. I wonder what she thinks of us as women, what she thinks of the job we’re making.

I am trying not to get too excited but it is hard.

This kid is supposed to be one of the tough one at the school but somehow we have bounded.
I have had the feeling that I was walking on egg shells lately with him and today after work the best thing happened.

I was on my way back home and I had stopped to buy something to drink and to eat because I was really hungry. I saw him as he was walking toward me and first I though that our path were just meeting so I handed some cookies over to him and then I realized that it was not an accident. He had seen me and had come over to reach me because he wanted to introduce me to his mom!
He even said to her that I was the one he had told her about and that I was kind.
Do you hear this?
KIND!

He trusts me for real!

Now I have to make sure I can do my job and explain things to him and keep his trust. I only have a school year to go I hope I can hold on that long.

I had been wondering about the last incident and thought that maybe feeling bad that I caught him lying to me he would feel humiliated and break away from the little bound we were making but NO. He came to get me to introduce me to his mother.

Now I have to find a way to explain to him that he needs to calm down because not everybody is against him. Then I really need to help him get a little better education or at least want to.
He is a very smart kid but the kind who gets easily mad at everybody because he just does not have the words to tell or understand what he needs. if only he could get this education I know he could do much better than to be a mechanic in some factory.
I am not saying that to be a mechanic is wrong generaly speaking but it would be wrong for him because he can do something else, Something that would really enable him to blosom and grow and become the oak he can be instead of remaining a bush like the others.

I guess his potential the problem is to have him feel this potential and understand that it can be a drive instead of the pain I see he is experiencing.