Unsettled and feeling at peace

I am right now at a very weird place in my life. The more I pray about it the more it feels like I am doing what is right although my mind tells me the opposite and it is very disturbing.

It is hard to describe with words that have not been yet used without giving the wrong impression about my life and what I want.

I have come at peace with what I am and who I am no matter the laughters and sniffles. Although I want badly someone to understand me I realize that I don’t need it really to progress.  And to tell the truth it is hard.
I know my words sound easy to understand but it is only because I am always keeping things on the surface so anyone can reach to it. And I know this sounds very arrogant when I am just expressing pain and loneliness.

I don’t know when will be the next time I write on this blog because things are getting too personal to be shared even in an almost anonymous way. I wanted this blog to be a record of perpetual progression when I realize that although it can be I guess this is a quiet time for experience and growth that needs to be done in secret before I can come up with new insights.

What has been on my mind the past month

And it goes in circle:

I now understand that both what I can do that others can’t or don’t (they don’t necessarily can’t as it would imply a need for something to take place when some things are just incidental) is only because of the way my brain has been shaped and wired. The intensity and the reason why I may vibrate to things that people don’t even see or care about. 
So what is really me?
I have met others like me and it was crazy to hear my words in their mouth when before people would either look at me as if I were nuts or would basically run away from me.
Meeting others like me who use their abilities to do things I don’t agree with made me realize that my choices tell me a little who I am and I have been searching more in depth who I was before coming here and who I am expected to become.
Yet this entanglement between who I am and what I am either here or there and it goes both ways has made me look at things the way I have when I was a teenager (until I understood I was crazy and I needed to stop of course) but with more of the knowledge I was hoping to have someday.

I am often grateful and humbled by the blessing of knowing what I know now. I am grateful for the confidence it gives me in my choice and the solace and serenity I find in my life. I am humbled by what I can see from the little cleaning of my dark glasses (Ray this is for you) as it makes it an emergency to learn to love the way Christ did because it is the only way to be saved really.

There is nothing that the love I can show will really change. Yet it can help someone face another day until they can the answer they needed to feel and be better.
I know understand how what I can do is both small and nothing to brag or to be ashamed about but it can have enormous consequences. I knew it before and I had experienced it but always as a recipient of someone else’s deeds. 

There is also something I don’t understand concerning this whole matter. The more I want to follow the path He wants me to take the more it seems that I am deriving from it. I am not talking about “opposition” I am talking about praying to know His will and having the only path I thought was the wrong one opening before me.
Yet what I have learned and I know is that the most important is what I desire really and my relationship with Him. Hopefully someday it will all make sense.

bitter sweet time of my life

I love to go to talk with my therapist. She has helped me much and has made possible for me to be where I am now. I couldn’t be happier I guess considering that what I want is not up to me.
Mister P has bought a home for us to have a family. It is an apartment in a “posh” area which actually means that we won’t have to worry about the environment we will raise our kids in. Of course we were blessed that he got the place for a little over 3/4 of its price without having to discuss. The other blessing about it is that it is way under the maximum of the minimum he was allowed to borrow.
He got a loan over a 20 years period, he will pay only 60 euros more than what he is paying now for a three bedrooms apartment with tone of space to store and organize things. It has a big living room that is separated in two parts so we can have if needed a living room and an office area.
The apartment building is short and spread around a very pretty park that we don’t have to pay for since it belongs to the city, yet it looks like it belongs to the owners of the apartments.

It is only 500meters from the tramway which can take me downtown Saint-Etienne in a blink of an eye. It is right by the police station, a drugstore and more. Right across the town hall (as it is not in Saint-Etienne but in a nice suburb).
Everybody is jealous of him, he could sell it in 6 months and make even more money to buy a nicer place which sounds pretty hard as this one is pretty much on the top of the list.
Most people around have a swimming pool, as Mister P said “we’re going to make friends in the neighborhood!”

He is proud of me and believes in me more than I do most of the time.

His family likes me and I like his family.

And I can’t share this with my mother.

A little insane

The more time passes the more I am stunned by the sixth sense I had about who and what I needed. Everything has an explanation now and I don’t have to fight for what I know to be true so I am relieved in a way but I am also scared in a way. What else did I know the same way and that I just decided to overlook because it sounded too silly?

Everything I knew I needed in the other is what Pascal is. And when I say everything I need you to pay a little attention here.

Therapists have known for decades that there was something transmitted in the blood of a family when one relative had gone through something traumatic but of course it was partially disregarded since nothing could be proven. Now it has.
Since a few years it has been proven that the traumas one goes through are in our genes and it take several generations to erase it from the genes, then it may take a little longer (or not) to erase it from the descendants’ habits.
I would not open up too much about what made me afraid about getting married and having children because I knew people would mock me but I knew there was something wrong in me. 
the problem is that when I would say this people would burst into out of subject praises that I did not need and I would feel frustrated.
I knew there was too much violence and rape in my family history and as I often said I did not want to transmit “that”. I did not know what “that” was but I knew it was a burden I had carried and that I did not want my children to carry. I felt that it was too heavy for me and that it had almost crushed me. I just did not want to pass it on out of a selfish desire of reproduction.

So what geneticians have discovered is this:
1st generation: Trauma
2nd generation: depression
3rd generation: post trauma syndrome that no one can explain.
4th generation and on: bad habit from the previous generation that can be erased or amplified according to ones path.

You may say that you know people whose parents have gone through horrible things and don’t fit in this pattern.
Yes.

Because there is a solution.

This pattern is true UNLESS something extra positive comes in opposition to this trauma.
OR if someone with “better” genes comes along in the family gene pool.

Now I know that when I told several times that there was something wrong with me I was right. I sensed it and I have lived according to it and if i have a child it will be for its benefit. It was a cruel fight but in the end it will benefit someone, hopefully more than one.

I now also understand and know that I can rest and contemplate what I have fought and be grateful for those who have helped me in this fight without even knowing it.

As I have said in the past I know my grand-mother has been raped by her father. What makes the situation even worse is that I inherited the specificities of my brain from her and she got it from her father. this made it hard for her mother to relate to her, adding to this that she had issues on her own and 13 children. I understand why she never understood my grand-mother’s cry and why my grand-mother does not understand either what went wrong.
The first fighter is my grand-mother because as my cousin says there is something in the way she talks and live that makes you feel that being “positive” and “christlike” is a matter of life and death to her. It is not just about good feelings and getting to Heaven. You can tell from her intensity that it is about this life now and here.
Now although she tried instinctively to fight it my mother was raped herself.
So my mother was a 2nd generation in this pattern but then a rape was added to her load.

I need to praise my mother as well.

See, on my mission I had a companion who was clearly a racist. She told me her mother had an abortion from a rape she was victim of. Now those who did it were black men. this was the justification she gave me. 
Now the man who did this to my mother was a black help my grand-parents had in their home when my mother was a child.
NEVER did she teach me to hate those of a different color. I can tell that she taught me to be careful of difference of culture in a couple but this was for French-American as well as for French-African. I can tell that she taught me to look beyond what I could see in a person.

It would have been so easy and understandable of her to teach me to hate African and anyone darker than me (which would have been an issue as I am very pale).
Now the disease has taken over and she is unreachable. I know understand what was my mother and what was her borderline illness.
The cruelty of it is that if I can have children I will have to protect them from her presence not because my mother is bad but because she is too sick and I don’t want them to have this influence in their lives.
It is unfair. It feels to me that she is being punished for being a victim. I don’t see anything more unfair. If you do please tell.

I am angry.

I only hope that she will get what she deserves on the other side.

Now this is where Pascal comes into place.

I have fought my best but I still knew that I could not be with the first “good guy”. I needed more than that.

Once I explained to him what is a family home evening and i told him this is something I would like to have in our home even if it is not religiously focused.
He paused and looked at me in the eyes and told me:”well this may come as a shock to you but this how I have been raised as it was this way every evening in at home when I grew up”.
I was indeed shocked. I told him “well someone has suffered!!!” 
The more I know about his family the more I want to be a part of it. It is not a perfect family just a family that can balance what I have in my blood.

There is nothing more I need

I now understand how and why we are told that we forget the Lord when we are granted blessings. I have to double check myself to pray and read my scriptures. I guess I never was blessed enough that all I could think about was the blessing I got. Kind of stupid to replace the source of my blessing my the blessing itself.
This blessing is so “gigahuge” to me that I have to focus very hard to feel the spirit. It is kind of disturbing to feel this way as not everything in this story is perfect as I have been taught perfection should be in the church. Oh well I guess this just adds up to the evidence I already have that no matter what we think or believe, our ways are not His ways really no matter what we assume his ways to be.

I need to read my scriptures now.

Freaking Frightening

I have been told by two different people who have nothing in common that I look like I am scared of something about “him”.
Yes I am and I think I am barely figuring out what.
Everything is so perfect that I am afraid for a reason or another it is going to end.
I now trust him and his feelings.
I need to stop being afraid because I know that with a twisted trick of life it is when we fear something that this thing happens.

My instinct tells me it is true, the Spirit confirmed to me twice that this is true AND good and yet something in me wants it to stop before life puts an end to it.
The only way I have found to fight it is to be with him but as we both need to work (and he does more than me) I just can’t have it my way, beside I know it would only be a patch, not the solution. I know he would just love the patch, though. But on a long run it would not be wise.
I really need to talk to my therapist. She asked me for the next time to think about what scares me in this relationship. I thought I wanted to tell her that I am afraid he will become a member and therefore I will lose him. I am sorry to say so but the mormon culture is devastating for so many couples. I am not saying that the gospel destroys families. Heck no.
The mormon culture destroys couples who don’t agree to revolve only around this paradigm. Yet because the gospel strengthen families people are “happy”. I think this is what I have been fearing and envying in the mean time.
I want to family model I have been raised to like but I don’t want the couple model at all.

I really need to talk to my therapist about what I think made this fear I have even more real:

I was sleeping at his place. I often wake up at night to go to the bathroom and of course I did. On my way to the bathroom an incident happened which made a violent row. I knew it was going to wake him up and of course it did. I heard he was awake so I tried to calm him and tell him that it was only me.
I expected him to yell. I have been used to yelling and more in this kind of situation. He needed to sleep because he does a very important job that involves armies not just ours. I would have been normal to me for him to be crossed.
I was devastated.

He rose and I repeated that it was only me.

I was really afraid of his reaction as he went back to bed and did not say anything

Later on he held me very tight in his arms and his breathing changed. I did not understand his reaction because I was expecting anger and his reaction was something I could not decypher. I asked him what it was and he told me “I was scared”.

Had he been crossed even slightly I would have felt better now as I am typing this.

I am so grateful for the gospel and the gift of the Spirit that enables me to see through a blurry vision and that both comfort me and guide me. I know I need to talk, I need to get it out, I need to write it here so as to have a trace of it, this way I’ll be able to talk with my therapist about it and get it out of my life and out of my working system.